A common flu named the blues

Sneaky sneaky blues, a little bird told on you
Sneaky Sneaky blues, you`re my common flu
starts with a sneeze, feels like a feverish freezing heat,
wakes every hair in my skin
my shivering body turns pale
my st st st stu stuttering speech avoids the crowd
An achy head, in an aching body, with an aching heart
resumes my soul in the oblivious world
that awaits me under the sheets of my bed
where every dream  turned into mere unreachable desire
Sneaky Sneaky blues that comes like an annual flu
that comes nicely attached to my Christmas
And deepens its blue, paralyzing cold
like a frost bite
slowly necroses the souls
of those who are infected
with the common flu named the blues.
Sneaky sneaky blues, there`s a cure for you
Like a vaccine, an antithesis, an anti flu
1 tsp of opportunity, 1 cup of  friends and a whole plate of family
which makes a hot soup love a banquete of unbreakable hope
Its like looking through a sort of glass-like mirror
were every medicine you need you already posses
And its expiration date is not a number
but a symbol ∞


Maybe I should just take a hot shower and shake it off...

Must be an ectopic pregnancy...

As I was walking my dog, Ms. Makeba, this morning I was struck with an unnoticed reality. Skies blue, with some cotton-like clouds and some rays of light piercing through the trees while dancing to the sinchronized rythmic humming of the wind. And while going into my Enya-Valija Gitana-meditative-mantra-Pure Moods kinda like trance thinking of caracoles, feathers, hummus, Fresh- Mart, paprika a sudden interruption... "Mira, hey como estas?" in a very friendly voice. When I looked to my left I notice the entrance guard was waving at me, one of those so-called "guardias de palito". She was sitting in her chair like Jabba the Hut, so I waved back at her. Then... sunddenly possesd by the devil.. she said " So, hey... Are you pregnant (while rubbing her belly). And I suddenly went into this retarded-mental-diarreah state and looked at Makeba, Makeba at me, I looked at the guard again... and then at Makeba and Makeba at me... "Ahh no no, no creo que ella este embarazada.". This I said looking at Makeba, who was looking at me like..." No mija, la gorda eres tu. Giiiirl you fat!!." Entonces la guardia said "No no, tu. Que si tu estas embarazada?" A sudden akwardness took ovber my body and in my mind (what the hell!! Who do you think you are, you are the one whos fat. Tu eres la que pareces pre~a. Es mas que pre~a, que te pareces a Chewbacca, stuped. Don`t call me fat again, don`t you dare). Obsviously, trying to maintain posture and politness I went " Oh oh no no no, de veras paresco embarazada?" And then stupidly she went again, while rubbing her belly "Si pareces como..." (Don`t you say it again I`ll kick your asss, dont you dare.) So to break the akwardness, the best instrument is making a joke "Oh ja ja ja ja (pendeja) eso significa that I have to workout more and work with my abs, ja ja ja ja (gorda estupida)."

Up, up and oh shit!

A good cup of cafe con leche a termino is perfect to start an early fresh morning, is a perfect companion to get cozy throughout a cold and rainy day, the perfect dessert to resume dinner, the perfect energizer at the middle of a slow nightshift and the perfect laxative for constipation. Coffee can also be diametrically opposed to perfection. Coffee can be a weapon of damnation, a weapon of mass cagation. Every cup of coffee instead of "warning This cup is hot!" should say in bold letters "Warning this beverage can cause un Dolor Cagon!" Its ok if it happens, but what makes it ok is the setting you`re in when it happens.
Here`s a list of ok places:

• Home
• A relative`s house (a close relative)
• A public bathroom of another country that you`ll never visit again

List of big no no places:

• Every other place not mention on the previous list, specially
• School
• Work
• A store`s bathroom
• A restaurant`s bathroom

And I have to add another place I never though I`d experience un dolor cagon.
"Give me one big cafe con leche a termino" "You have a total of $1.37, anything else?" cashier "No, thats it" Mami with a wise look, in a low tone "Noli, mama, maybe you shouldn`t drink that before you get on the plane." "Ay mami, por Dios, nothing is going to happen, I have a strong belly." while rubbing my belly "Anyway, the plane leaves in an hour and a half." Now with one eyebrow up and her analytical pose with her right hand on her chin, with a I`m-warning-you-I- know-what-I`m-talking-about-expression "I don`t know, sweetheart, you`re going to get on a plane and you will get a stomach ache." "Ay mami ya! Me lo voy a tomar. No chaves mas chica. No me va a pasar nada" With a I`m-a-grown-woman-dammit attitude "Ok sweetie".
We sat in the table. Pour two sugar. "Mmmm, come to mama" surp...
Tick tock tick tock
"Oh mami, I have to go to the gate" While hugging "Ok, have a nice flight honey, may the Lord All Mighty be with you and you arrive safely, may He hold the plane in His Hands and..." "Mom, me tengo que ir" "Ok ok my dearest daughter, you know mommy loves you" "Yes I know, I know" And in a hurry I got in line.
Damm it! no seats. Decided to stand near the gate. I don`t know if it is a puertorican thing or just a me thing but just before getting in an airplane I have two tendencies, they can happen simultaneously or appart. I turn either into a religous-ultra mystical-Jesus -is- comming-I- rebuke-you-demons- sort of person and start repenting for my sins, making a list of all the missions I`m going to do, etc. The other is an FBI-Taliban-profile-Tomb-raider-republican-spy sort of person and, like a schitzophrenic type with persecution delusion, I start doubting everybody around me, seeing Bin-Laden everywhere (Ese tipo... hmm...sip, ese tipo definitivamente is a Taliban)... (Mira, mira como esta looking at everybody, look at his beard, esta muy larga...aaah, he`s looking at me...) (Oh my god, why is that lady holding that bag so closely... ah, probably she`s carrying a bomb...she thinks she can fool everybody by being an elderly woman... oh no, she can`t fool me...I`ll keep my eye on her). And this multiple personality disease keeps on until I get tired of watching suspects (almost everybody), repenting for the sins of the whole human race and fall asleep on the plane (right after it takes off).
But all this personality pathological process was interrupted by a sudden deep and intense pain I got in my stomach. (Ugh) (man, that felt like a stab). There it was again, this time with an animal or an Sigourney Weaver-alien-about-to-burst-from- my- abdomen- sound.(Ah!, what was that...Oh oh no...not now...down boy...Oh Jesus have mercy)
And suddenly the loudspeaker: "Attention: the flight 6870 of La Pava Airlines destination to Fort Gringoland va a comenzar a abordar" "Pasajeros de la Zona amarilla asientos del 1-9 pueden comenzar a abordar"
(Ay Dios mio...que hago que hago me cago!) in a far away voice, like some sort of telepathy, I heard my mother`s voice "Te lo dije. Mija you know mama know`s best".
With that wild animal on my stomach I walk down the aisle all sweaty, walking and breathing through my mouth like a pregnant woman about to give birth. Got into the plane. By that time I felt periods of contraction that became harder and harder each time, my body was trying to push "you know what" out. Looking at my boarding pass (ok, aisle 9 seat D). I looked at the map (oh good D is the seat beside the aisle) in a illuminating light I heard a far away angels singing "Haaaallelujah, haaaallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, halleeelujaaah" and I saw all the saints and everything. I sat, the middle chair is empty, and theirs a gringo looking guy already asleep. Now almost everybody has boarded, nobody is comming (captain, man, please lets go, vamonos que me cago encima!!!!) (Ugh!) there another contraction... (My God its stabbing me to death!!)I closed my eyes... (Ok ok calm down calm down breath in breath out breath in breath out brea...) suddenly a friendly and hasty male voice: "Esta silla esta ocupada?" I opened one eye and looked from his shoes up to find a friendly, geeky face with a big wide smile staring back at me "No no its empty" (Oh please God no) I moved a little to the side (Ugh! another even deeper stab). The guy sat next to me. "Phew! wow I almost didn`t make it!" "Ujum" I said without looking or trying to make the slightest gesture of welcoming a conversation. "wow I was trying to get here but I live so far away! I mean I have two residencies, wow... (shit shit shit!!! i don`t give a damm, no ves que estoy aqui casi pariendo, shut up! shut up! I don`t want to talk, can`t you see I`m ignoring you, I`m trying to avoid this conversation)... but I just quickly smiled and kept on looking straight. (Oh God, there it comes again, aaaahhhhh!!) "Hey, whats your last name, I`m mean in case anything happens I`d like to know who was beside me. I mean you never know who might carry a bomb on ther shoes." (What the %$#^@# are you talking about, are you kidding me, somebody help me!, pero y que te pasa... Oh my God what is this, is this a nightmare... Me estoy cagando en un avion con un taliban sentado al lado mio who wants to have a small talk...What the hell!!) "I`m Cipreni" "Excuse me what was it again Ceprine?..." "No. no Cipreni" And the question that never fails to emerge "And where does that last name comes from" (From helll!!!!! Don`t you see I don`t want to talk!) But, by impulse I explained the whole family tree. Feeling that learned obligation of being polite, though I hate small talk, I opened my mouth, knowing that I would be sorry later "So you`re form San Juan?" and there I felt the guy turn my way "Oh no I`m from lelolay town, but I have like a hundred houses all over the island, just so you know." "Oh thats nice" "What about you, are you from San Juan?" "Yes". And then the small talk turn into a conversation that didn`t end throughout the whole 3:30 hr flight. By the time we arrived the baby in my stomach turn into an adolescent.
The phone rang "Hello baby" "Hi mom" "was the flight ok?" "Yeah it was ok... (Ugh)...mom I`ll call you later I have to go to the bathroom" "Oh honey, I told you not to drink that coffee".

Damm that twenty!!

Has it happened to you that you wake up on a sunny morning with a fresh wandering breezes that invites you to stay in bed. Then you decide to finally get up. Then you might stretch a little bit. Get a hot cup of french roast coffee. Sit at your comfy chair with that warm cup on your hand. But then, just at that climatic moment you phone rings: "Hey Noli, its your momma!! How is my little baby daughter?" And, having been this call the interruption of a beautiful morning "What? What do you want mom? Que paso ahora?" Mom: "Oh nothing honey, my lovely, my sweetness, just to say hi. Oh! and do you know that Peito is really sick, can you go (Noli takes a deep breath) and take him something for his cold?" "Ay, Ok, ok ok" Mom: "I know you would my baby". So I get up, put up some pants, the first I grabed, washed my face, put on a t-shirt, and off to buy some groceries.
First some sucking thingies for the thoat. Ok got it. Mmmm some lipton soup. Sprite (Uh heavy). Tissue paper, cookies, milk. Ok got it. Go to the shortest line...shit, this line is too long. Theres antoher one, looks shorter.... (is that a...Oh, please don`t ... please don`t... not la Tarjeta de la Familia... Christ!) . Oh good there`s another shorter line...(What tha...it can` be...no, por favor NOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!) Gum-chewing-Cash-register-employee :"Precio para la caja numero 2!!!!".
Got to the car. Finally I`m on Campus. Telephone "Hello, mom?" Mom:"Tell me sugar" "Ok, what was the address again?" Mom (in a sunny-happy-corky-high- pitch-voice): "Oh, let me see....Ok, here it is..." "Mom can you just...I`m driving...hurry up" Mom: "Oh, I`m sorry dear...remember both hands on the wheel..." "MAAAAAAAMMIIIII co~o avanza!" "Noelia-Isabel-Cipreni-Ramirez do not speak to me on that tone. You are a child of the Lord!" "Ok mama, sorry. But, please, could you tell me the address." "Yes dear, its on the Building B Apt. 302. Baby, you can go through the backside gate and tell the guard you`re dropping some things. He`ll let you right in."
"You CAN`T pass through this gate" said the young- rookie-still-live -with-my-momma- looking- guard: "No, I can't let you pass, I can get into trouble." First thought (you stupid ^%$&#@!! canto de moron, asshole, asshole, ASSHOLE!!!) Firts words: "Oh no I don`t want to get you into trouble. Thats ok. Can I park at that new parking lot?"
I left the car at the new parking lot. And with all the bags at hand I walked down the parking lot into the campus. As I walked I notice that the letters of the first bulding I was seeing T, S, R.... I realized I was at el culito of the campus complex. I kept on, stopping at every spot to get some air. Probably I looked like a crazy old lady looking for the public bus, with, already, pancakes under my armpits. I kept on walking... (finally) ... opened the door..(Oh there`s the guard) "Good Morning, I`m here to drop some groceries for Peito whos sick." "Well you can`t go in. He has to come down" And I, in a Les Miserables fashion : "Oh please oh thou fair and kind officer, he`s sick, hes ailing on his deathbed. I beg of you to have mercy upon that soul which shall perish if I don`t give him this groceries" "He has to come downstairs" where his last words. "Ok ok I`ll call him and see if he can come downstairs."
After Peito picked off his groceries I went back to my car. I went upstairs, turned on the car, parked it close to the paying booth. Gave the ticket to the employee, gave him a twenty..."We are not accepting twenties. Only $1`s, $5`s and $10`s dollar bills." "What, where wha (&^%$#!!)... ok i`ll be back". I went to the building across the street. First stop a cafe booth. As I got closer there was a sign that said: 'We don`t accept twenty dollar bills with a purchase of less than $5'. Kept on walking. Second store a pizza place. But as I walked closer it was so crowded that people, intead of walking out of the store they would pop out of the doors. And also with my homeless look I was not about to go in. Went to the next store, the same story. Another store, again the crowded lines. And then i realized it was 12md.
(Oh good an ATM) I get into the line. Put my card in. Chose withdrawal. Savings. $10. Only multiples of $20. (What, me %^$#&%!! en nah... Shit Shit SHIIIIIIIIIIIITT!!). I took he card. And as I walked back, far away there was the cafe booth. And in a Shakesperian fashion " Oh most fair and humble Lady of the booth, can thou help this wretched soul by accepting this cursed twenty dollar bill?" The Lay of the Booth with a plain, tired stare and with a robotic movement replied: "You have to make a purchase of $5 or more." "Ok ok, give me a chicken sandwich, and a coffee (thats $3.75) oh and a bottle of water and a lollypop". Lady of the Booth with a plain, tired stare and making her robotic movement: "Here`s your change"
And at last there it was, the $10 dollar bill... Damm that twenty...